Living an Impossible Dream, pt 1.

I grew up wanting to become a lawyer, or an attorney to be more precise. But times have changed. My dream job has changed. Here's my story of how, why and into which, seemingly unpredictable what.

I was ten when I first learned about attorneys. Something about the carreer excited me. But what made me truly aim for it, was my teens. I was already then set on creating a financially stable life for myself; Having grown up under periodically sparse circumstances and having to borrow money from my friends when taking a 'fika' downtown, or having to turn cinema invites down because of lack of money. My goal was to live my own life and support my own, future family differently.

Although my interest in humans, crimes, and the darker aspects of life in general was what made me choose law, there was never a time when I didn't see my future carreer as an escape from work itself. Growing up, I just couldn't see eye to eye with the fact that I was gonna spend a third of my life trading my time for money - only to survive and provide. I'd rather make the most out of a few years, carreer-wise, or work part time with an above average hourly salary. My goal, in other words, was to even things out. To trade my time back.

I was a child when I first learned about attorneys. I was also a child when I realised that I was born into a contract with society, already signed up to dedicate my life to the current system. And now I was set on escaping the inevitable.

Time would, with time, become a very important aspect in my life. First off, I'd like to tell you about my perspective as a child. You see, something that bothered me when growing up, was the lack of time the adults around me had for enjoying free time. It seemed to be eaten up at work, and what little time was left, instead lacked in energy after the neccesary chores at home were finished. Of course, this became a greater issue based in the economic situation, than it had been without the need for repairs, loanig of items, replacing cheap stand-ins and search for the cheaper alternatives. Being cheap is costly, and so, being poor becomes expensive. With the family economy turning more and more into an issue, board game nights and weekday adventures became memories of the long gone.

As I hit my 20's, I finally moved to realise my dream. Having good grades, getting into law school was no trouble. Staying there, however, turned out to be a different story. Something that people around me have never been able to grasp tho, was that the reason I left was not the pressure of getting good grades or performing in general. Rather it was the social and cultural environment that put me off. Add to this a depression creeping up on me, and you have my resignation from the law school in its entirety.

I quit, aged 20, the autumn of 2013. Now what?

The reasons were several. As stated, the social and cultural environment bothered me and the depression only made things more difficult, or rather, indifferent. But what was more was my sleep. Since a few years back, I had trouble staying awake. Unless I slept 12 hours a night that is. Otherwise I risked falling asleep during meetings, lectures, and really any other activities which included sitting down or in general just being physically inactive. For the next 2.5 years, until early 2016, my sleeping pattern would be under investigation by the Sahlgrenska University Hospital among other instances, suspecting depression, hypersomnia or narcolepsy.

It was during this time I re-evaluated my life. I simply had to. Having quit law without any backup-plan, I realised I needed to figure out a new carreer for myself. Most of all I would have preferred an opportunity to focus on my creative interests, in combination with being a modern housewife. However, not only did these ‘naive ideas’ get shunned by my family in law - which I did not care much about - but their attitudes influenced my current partner who now felt I had fooled him:

“You were supposed to become a lawyer” he said, acting as if I was of less value to him without a fancy title, despite himself coming from a working class family. Needless to say, our relationship was headed downhill, but this was not the only reason why. You see, aspects of our relationship had always been filled with conflict. A sexual compatibility had never fully existed, at least not on equal terms, and neither did I feel my emotional needs were being met. I don’t blame my ex for this, not completely, but a lack of tools to understand that an otherwise loving couple could be sexually incompatible. Theese tools simply didn’t exist in a world which believes in a monomogamously based concept of soulmates.

So, the years 2013-2016 were truly a journey. Much happened. As me and my partner broke up, I tried fulfilling my fantasies. Easier said than done and while still being close to him, we reunited in mid 2015. It seemed my ideas of what I wanted to experience within my sexuality were just fantasies after all, and nothing of that was done in the bedroom other than by pornstars. How else come, that none of my 20 or so sexual partners up until then, would indulge in bondage, sensory play, temperature play or any other of those practices which I had still not learned the official terms for, yet so intensely wanted to experience? Lack of communication was not the answer, that much I knew.

Having got my fantasies debunked, I crept back into the secure, monoamorous relationship and reluctantly tried finding myself an ordinary “9 to 5” profession. I had realised that men in general and heterosexual 20-somethings in particular lacked the tools to be good in bed even with vanilla standards, and felt like I wanted to make a difference. However, sexology felt too clinical for me, and couples therapy was boring. Another possible path would be psychology or maybe gender studies, but still, they were lacking in something. I wanted to re-shape the world around me by being me. I wanted fantasies -whichever they might be - to be possible rather than just remaining concepts made up by a Disney-influenced dreamer. For this to come true, I felt the need to first understand the current reasons of why they were impossible. Simply put: I wanted to educate myself in a field which let me explore human ideas of sexuality and apply science to history as well as history to science, making it possible to -in the long run- re-shape what practices are possible to partake in on a cultural, scientific, humanitarian level, aware of historical influence.

The summer of 2016 came to be a turning point. After 3+ years of mental health issues, hypersomnia-like symptoms, a withered sex drive, relation issues and an unsure future, I now had found myself a bachelors programme in Cultural Science, with an orientation towards the History of Ideas. I had also, after some soul-searching and information-seeking - discovered that I had sexual needs which needed to be adressed regardless of my current relationship, and I titled myself both polyamorous, polysexual as well as a submissive or switchhing BDSM-practitioner. From now on my sexual health would be treated as a need equal to food or sleep, rather than as a primal drive to be suppressed by my identity as a civilized and modern human being.

What came, following this, is something I would have never guessed. The hypersomnia-like state which had lasted for and increased during the past 7-8 years of my 23 years long life, suddenly vanished. My depression was gone since late 2014, but even so I also seemed to be happier, more at peace now that I’d found a direction in life which felt like ‘my own’. I still had no idea what carreer I wanted, except for my ‘naive’ dream of still becoming a part time artist and part time housewife, however my studies would be able to save me from getting stuck in the hamster wheel for yet another while. They also felt important to me and for society, and for this reason, I would gladly pursue them.

I think that, had someone observed it from the outside, me and my ex’s sexlife would have seemed, so to say, “normal”. I mean, we did have sex atleast once a week, it did include positions like missionary, 69 or doggystyle, and we were both able to orgasm. And actually, for a while that was just what seemed to happen; When I tried talking with my closest friends about my sexual unhappiness they didn’t really understand what more I could want. It was normal, it was just like for everyone. The thought got me down, thinking “If it is like this for everyone, how many more aren’t suffering?”

While sure, I was getting my physical needs satisfied to some extent and did get sexual release, my appetite was also withering away, creating a situation in which I wanted less sex, yet felt more and more lost with needs unattended to. Having always been a “sexual being”, I felt like a part of myself was soon to be lost. See, “normal” was equal to “healthy” in the eyes of my ex and our surroundings. Yet, while he got 100% of his fantasies and needs fulfilled through “normal sex”, for me it accounted for, let’s say 10%. The rest of it, the longing for adventure, darkness, sensuality... Everything that excited me: thoughts of handcuffs, tantric practices, candlelit dinners building up expectations, rape-play, threesomes, groupsex swinging, flogging,.. We may have had out differences, but had I just been “allowed” to be seeing other people as well I wouldn’t have had to choose between staying loyal or staying healthy. That’s when it hit me. Never having heard about polyamory nor polysexuality, I now found my definition. I found the words to describe myself, my wants and my needs. I think that, In a different kind of society, we could have stayed friends, but in this one, the sexual and heteronormative moralities undoubtely teared apart the relationship beyond repair, before we found the healthy solution which otherwise might have saved it.

Since then, not only have I been defining myself as a hard-wired polyamorous, polysexual and exhibitionistic BDSM-practitioner. I have also looked back at my many hopes and dreams in life. Dreams in which I’ve always longed for the traditional mixed with the new and exciting. I remember growing up, I always used to play with dolls, and I wouldn’t say it was due to gender norms, not solely. Among toys like cars, police handcuffs, Lego, Barbie, crafting materials, and a big backyard and forest, I played with a range of toys equally much and dreamed of growing up to be a sportscar-driving, sexy and feminine-looking, homemaking, artsy mom with a big house and loving family. So, while unpredictable for the range of people who may have seen my success in school as a clear and obvious path to a high-salary, stable carreer-life, my way of life in its current state, meaning my work as an online sex-worker and parttime housewife and artist, with a loving partner with whom I share future dreams of houseowning and familymaking, this is really the most natural state for me to be in. This is what I have chosen, but it is also an impossible choice as I am not allowed to exist. More on that in my next blog post.